A Reminder

It's raining tonight. Looking at my phone, thinking if should text you, the stars aren’t out tonight, but it is only me, cold and alone. I’m missing you and it is evident that this feeling will encompass every piece of me until, by some miracle, I am able to forget. Then and only then, piece by piece, will I be whole again. For without you, I am a broken puzzle.

Tell me why you left me like this, with nothing but my thoughts and memories, tattered dreams of us together. It is impossible to rid myself of all these feelings, of all this sorrow that weighs down on me like bricks sinking to the ocean’s sandy bottom. I see myself drowning in the great abyss of anguish and it is all I can do to keep from drowning. Maybe I should stop trying to trying to swim to the surface. Maybe I should let the current of regret and memories drown me.

Until I met you, I was a just me, never smiled much, bubbled in my own world, listening to my music on my headphones. Never looked at anyone much, never gave anyone a chance. e and replaced by a physical ache so great I cried buckets.

Apparently love isn’t always enough. That’s something that has been told to me over and over in music, books, and your eyes. I always thought that I was different. Maybe I could be the one to finally achieve that perfect love that would never end or be altered. Even now, I’d give up everything for the promise of a love never ending.

But that is something that no one can guarantee.

If you could write it in stone and promise me that everything will work out, I would escape this hell and fly with you on a journey to infinity. That is impossible, though, because we are only human.

So, before you go, let me remind you of all that you are leaving:

• You’re leaving behind a guy with the ability and the desire to love you unconditionally. A guy who will never question your feelings, who will do and has done everything for you that’s humanly possible.
• You’re leaving a guy who would physically alter the sun’s rotation for you no matter how much it burned.
• You’re giving up a love so big that this heart couldn’t contain it. My heart has burst with all the love I gave and all the pain your actions reaped.
• You are turning your back on something beautiful.

But I have learned that everything beautiful is finite. What’s the beauty in something that lasts forever? A rainbow is momentary, like the flap of a butterfly’s wings or the first smile of a small child. Beauty can only be captured in photographs, in memories, and things that fade and die. If we were to last forever, maybe it would no longer be beautiful. Maybe there is beauty in the pain that stems from your leaving me alone.

I sleep alone like I used to sleep before I met you. I forgot how lonely it was to wake up with no one there. Nobody to talk to, nobody to share my laughs with. I got so used to waking up to that sleeping face of an angel that now it haunts my dreams. In these dreams you are mine and no one else’s. And then, like a patch of clover on a dreary morning, my hopes are trampled with the harsh awakening to reality. Maybe this is why I sleep more than I ever have before. Maybe longing for you is so stifling that these phantom versions of you are better than the alternative. Maybe you’ll haunt my dreams forever. At least, then, a semblance of us remains. My dreams will never wither and die like we did.

I used to believe that there was a wonderful plan for my life. I thought that my perpetual loneliness and un-fulfillment was only a temporary stage in my life and that one day replacing it would be eternal hope and joy. 

You helped me put a smile on my face, so to speak. I never thanked you for that. You changed my life, girl, and you gave me something to look forward to every day that I woke. Now, I only wish for each day to pass quickly so that I will be one day closer to seeing you again and hoping you’ll change your mind.

I can’t hope these things forever. I cannot allow my life to be controlled by this vague notion of one-day reconciliation. I cannot allow my entire existence to be moldable like putty in your large, familiar hands. Those hands once held mine in a dark movie theater and I knew that I wanted to hold those hands forever. Now I’ll never have that chance again.

I want to curse you for robbing me of what is possibly the greatest love of my life. You were my best friend, my lover, and my confidant. I trusted you with every minute detail of my lamentable existence. I wanted to know everything about you. I wanted to bury myself deeply into the warmness in your eyes and never again be released.

The sky looks like rain again. The cold is seeping in through the fabric of my jeans. I haven’t felt alive since last we kissed. I never expected to never show you affection again.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on the unsuspecting.

The memories of our happiness fade with each rainy day of solitude I endure. My love is steadfast. It is forever and because of this, it is deeply hideous. It is not one moment etched in time, but ions of seconds and minutes and hours that I go on without you.